Call 1-900-Mix-a-lot

I let the boys each have a treat of orange pop today. I asked Daniel if I could have a sip of his and he let me because he knows that, even though I hardly ever drink it, I love me some Orange Crush. 

D: Woah. This has 160 calories in it. 

Me: Yup. 

D: Maybe that's why your butts so big!

Beautiful

Me: These are pictures of Auntie Danna and Uncle Chris' wedding. 

Sam: Ha. Boobies. Boobies are funny. 

My Shoe-per Kid

Sam wore his Crocs in the tub last night. 

He wore his socks and shoes to bed tonight. Nothing else.

I'm Raising a Smartass

We were driving and saw a sign advertising a "Classy Trunk Sale".

Danny: I have no idea what a classy trunk sale is.

Daniel: Probably a trunk sale that's classy. 

Sassy Monkey

Me: Sam, why did you bring three mailbags home from school? One of them isn't even yours. 

Sam: Mom, you should mind your own beeswax. 

Me: Your beeswax IS my beeswax. Go eat breakfast!

Dirty Digits

Me: Did you wash your hands?

S: No. 

Me: You put your finger in your bum, you need to wash your hands. 

S: I got it off with the wipe. 

Me: Go wash your hands with soap and water. 

I Think I'm Being Conned

S: In the summer I'm ticklish

Me: But in the winter you're not?

S: Yup. Only in the summer.

I better try twice as hard, just to make sure.

Stranger Danger

I was sending Daniel to the bathroom in Walmart by himself.
Wanting him to be safe, I said to him - "what are the rules?"

D: Don't go with anybody. (pause) But if someone gives me a video game I'll just take it. Because it's in their pocket.

Me: No.

Tears of a clown

Sam was crying and then all of the sudden he got hysterical. I asked him what was wrong. 

S: I'm really sad I can never catch my tears. 

Me: What are you trying to catch them with?

S: My tongue. They always go wide.

Me: Why are you trying to catch them?

Sam: Because they really taste weird and I like to catch them. And I never seem to catch them - they always go wide. Why can my tongue not go wide?

My boy has big dreams. 

My wordsmith

Sam was writing a 'book'. 

S: I'm going to be the illustrator. 

Me: Are you going to be the writer AND the illustrator?

S: What's a writer?

Me: The person who writes the story. 

S: Oh. You mean the author. 

I got schooled. 

Tears of a Clown

Sam was crying and Daniel was curious...

D: Do your tears taste good?

S: Yeah. But they also taste weird. 

Snack time

S: Some people have brown skin and some people have white skin. (pause) If you eat too much chocolate your skin turns brown.

Apparently i've been trying REALLY hard to turn my skin brown. It isn't working.

Carn-omnivore

D to Me: I bet you like to get snuggles as much as I like meat.

By the way he was tearing through the chicken balls last night I like snuggles A LOT.

Naughty Boy

S: If you be on the naughtly list you get a rock for Christmas.

I asked him what someone would do with a rock if they got that for Christmas and he said very matter-of-factly "put it with their rock collection."

Duh. Of course.

I don't know how he got this way

This kid was seriously the worst baby ever - he cried all the time and the highlight of my day was when someone came over and took him away from me for even five minutes. And I felt like a horrible person for hating this screaming bundle of "joy". 

This is what he said to me this morning:

"I always feel like my heart is a puzzle and everyone I love is a piece and you're the final piece that make the puzzle complete."

Mr Clean

I was arguing with Sam about cleaning up his toys...

S: I can't because my arms are tired of picking up cars.
Me: Are you going to clean up the cars or are you going to sit on the steps?
S: (exasperated) Oh for the love of Pete!

Lost & Found

The school cleans out their lost and found a few times a year. Right now they have everything laid out on a few tables in the hallway by the office. I happened to be walking by the tables and I thought I'd have a quick look, just in case. 

I found three sweaters, two shirts and a pair of mitts. 

I wish I knew who I could blame for this but they both wear each others clothing so no such luck. 

Alone Time

Dec 9, 2011 (Sam 1 yr, Daniel 3 yrs)

Me: Daniel, Sammy is waving goodnight. Are you going to wave goodnight to him?

D: (In the bath) No.

Me: Why not?

D: I'm just playing with my balls. 

Me: You know that is something you need to do when you're by yourself. That's private. 

D: Can you leave please?

My Handyman

I was completely out of window washer fluid and, as I was driving with the boys, I realized that Danny filled it up for me.

Me: I'm a lucky lady. Daddy fixed it for me!
Daniel: Daddy is lucky too.
Me: Why is that?
Daniel: He had enough skills to trick you into marrying him.

The boy is wise beyond his years.

Aqua Man

Daniel was trying to help danny decide which superhero he should be.

D: I think you should be aqua man because he's better and he has big nipples.