Mr Clean

I was arguing with Sam about cleaning up his toys...

S: I can't because my arms are tired of picking up cars.
Me: Are you going to clean up the cars or are you going to sit on the steps?
S: (exasperated) Oh for the love of Pete!

Lost & Found

The school cleans out their lost and found a few times a year. Right now they have everything laid out on a few tables in the hallway by the office. I happened to be walking by the tables and I thought I'd have a quick look, just in case. 

I found three sweaters, two shirts and a pair of mitts. 

I wish I knew who I could blame for this but they both wear each others clothing so no such luck. 

Alone Time

Dec 9, 2011 (Sam 1 yr, Daniel 3 yrs)

Me: Daniel, Sammy is waving goodnight. Are you going to wave goodnight to him?

D: (In the bath) No.

Me: Why not?

D: I'm just playing with my balls. 

Me: You know that is something you need to do when you're by yourself. That's private. 

D: Can you leave please?

My Handyman

I was completely out of window washer fluid and, as I was driving with the boys, I realized that Danny filled it up for me.

Me: I'm a lucky lady. Daddy fixed it for me!
Daniel: Daddy is lucky too.
Me: Why is that?
Daniel: He had enough skills to trick you into marrying him.

The boy is wise beyond his years.

Aqua Man

Daniel was trying to help danny decide which superhero he should be.

D: I think you should be aqua man because he's better and he has big nipples.

Bottoms Up

Nov 30, 2013

D: You got a gigantic butt.

Me: Uh. Ok. 

D: It's the biggest butt in the whole world. 

Its a good thing he likes fat people.

The land down under

I had to tell Sam not to stick his finger in the cats butthole today.

That is all. Goodnight.

"This is my shoo away sadness stick."

Morning Snuggles

D: I don't want to hurt Dad's feelings but you're my favourite person to snuggle with in this bed. And not because you're floppy (read: squishy). I just feel you're emanating more love.

Wanker

24 November 2012 

Danny: Is that a girl?
Me: George Michaels? No. You don't know who George Micheals is?
Danny: I think I do. Did he sing Faith?
Me: Yes.
Danny: And did he get arrested for wanking?
Me: Yes. But I don't know if he was alone.
Danny: Huh? Like he was where other people were, or he was with other people?
Me: Well with another person at least.
Danny: Is he gay?

REALLY???????

Last (Years) Supper

Nov 22, 2014

Sam has requested for his birthday dinner tomorrow:

- Kraft Dinner

- French Fries

- Roast Beef

- Meatballs

- Cheese Strings

The little shit didn't even touch the roast. 

Just like his mama

Sam: I can't say the F word to you.
Me: What?!
Sam: I can't say the F word to you.
Me: You can't say the F word to anyone.

Sam: But when I'm growed up I can.

Me: Yes you can.

Sam: I can say the F word to anyone!

Me: And you can deal with the consequences.

Sam: (excited) Because when I'm a grown up I get to make the rules!

Me: Yes you do. 

*(not my kid)

Play Safe, Kids

Danny told me that Sam's bike helmet was too small and he'd need a new one next year. Sam overheard..

S: Do they have a broccoli one?
(pause)
S: If not it can be a cheese one.

PS - This is what happens when you google "broccoli bike helmet".

Nope

Sam: Carrots are like Cheezies but they're different. They're fruit.

Urine trouble now, young man!

I seriously just stopped sam from peeing on the cat because he wanted to see her change colour.

Me: Sam, why did you think that cat would change colour when you peed on her?
D: When your hair gets wetted your hair becomes darker.
Me: Was that it Sam?
S: Yup. That was my plan - to pee on the cat and see if she turned darker.

Poor Marble.

Halloween

S: I like having little mom chicken pumpkins.

I have no idea.

Rando

S: When I grow up I'm going to be a teacher and my teacher name is going to be Mr. Sam.

Life with Boys

D: Who went poo last night and didn't flush?

S: It was me!

D: You must have lost some weight.

Happy Thanksgiving

S: I coughed a lot in the night. That means I ate too much boogers!

A man with a plan

October 6, 2013:

There was a Johnson & Johnson commercial on...

D: I'm going to buy baby lotion when Millie and me get married. 

Me: Why?

D: Because we're going to have babies. 

Me: Oh. Does Millie know that?

D: What?

Me: That you're going to get married and have babies.

D: No. I'll tell her.

Duh

October 4, 2014:

Randomly, in the middle of lunch...

D: I love auntie Paula.

Me: Me too. Where did that comment come from?

D: My mouth.

Ladies man

October 1, 2014:

When I dropped the boys at school this morning one of Sam's teachers stopped me. I guess yesterday the kids were lined up to wash their hands and the next thing they knew Sam and one of the girls in the class were hugging and sharing a smooch. The teachers had to explain that kissing is just for your family - not your classmates. 

I found him in the schoolyard and I asked him if he kissed a girl at school the day before he said yes. When I asked who it was  he said "I don't know."

After school I picked the kids up from the sitters. I asked Sam if he had been kissing the girls at school again and he said "I'm not going to kiss girls any more. I'm just going to wash my hands."

This Badass!

Terry Fox Run 2014

An oldie but a goodie...

September 24, 2014

Me: What's on your shirt there bud?

D: It's from the terry fox run. I was running for my grandpa because he has a glass eye. 

I wish I knew who I could thank for this.

I did eventually find out that Danny's uncle Norm Slessor has a glass eye (who knew?) and for some reason the story stuck with him!

Ferret, ferret, ferret

Sam was looking for one of his Lego guys in his bed yesterday morning. I told him that he didn't have time - that he should go eat breakfast and I would have a look.

I eventually found it but I also found:

- Spider-Man

- two books

- a yellow paper fish

- a Spider-Man car

- two (different) Lightening McQueen slippers

- a sock

- a toy telescope

- a hoodie for his beaver stuffie

- a battery-operated spider candle

What kind of animal is it that steals and hides shiny things? A ferret? I think that might be Sam's spirit animal. 

Fun Times

 The boys were in bed and Sam started crying...

S: Daniel turned my fun times off! (quite distressed)
Me: What??!?!
S: He turned my fun times off!
Me: What fun times?
S: My fun times!

It took me a minute to figure out that Daniel turned his reading light on and Sam could no longer see the glow-in-the-dark stars on their ceiling because it wasn't dark enough.

The naked truth

We were at Rona on the weekend getting supplies for the boys bunk beds.

While we were there Sam started dancing and grabbing himself - he urgently needed to pee. Because God forbid he let me know BEFORE he is about to pee his pants. 

We found a bathroom quickly, thank god, and I sent both the boys in to go. They hadn't been in long when Daniel started freaking out. Apparently Sam had to go so badly that he lost control of his aim and peed all over Daniel. It was apparently 'the most terrible thing that has ever happened' to him. 

You know you're a mom when you can tell someone who is covered in someone else's pee to get over it. 

Not five minutes later Sam needed to go to the bathroom again - he had to poop. Urgently, of course. We hightail it back to the bathroom and I send Sam in. He was taking FOREVER so I peeked my head in and found this ...

Where is his shirt, you ask? I asked that too.

Apparently sometimes you just need to make yourself really at home in a public bathroom at the local hardware store. At least he still had everything else on. 

I told him to hurry up. And we waited. And waited. So I checked on him again. 

Apparently sometimes you just need to get completely f-ing naked to take a dump in a public bathroom. It's a good thing he's cute because grown ups get arrested for this sh-t. Pun intended. 

Fun and Games

Let's play 'what's that stain?'

Or not. 

These guys...

Um, thanks?

Sam: You're not a silly rascal any more. You're my real mom now.

What the flick?

S: Mom, wanna see me flick myself?

Me: Why are you flicking yourself?

S: Because my brain maked an invisible wall.

Me: Your brain made an invisible wall?

S: My brain makes an invisible wall every time I try to buckle my seat belt.

Deep Thoughts #68 (I'm giving them random numbers now)

S: If you don't get to go on the stool first, you just wait until the line is empty and BAM you get to go on.
(pause)
S: That was my idea I had last night.

I have no idea what he is talking about but hes right. If you wait until the line is empty BAM you get to go first.

My Precious Angel

Sam didn't like something I told him so he hit me.

Me: You need to go to your room.
Sam: (deep breath) I'm calmed down.
Me: You hit me - you need to go to your room.
Sam: (goes to his room, under serious protest)
Sam: (a minute later) I'm Sorry.
Me: Ok, i'll let you know when you can come out.
Sam: But I said I'm sorry! You need to let me come out now!
Me: You need to stay in your room.
Sam: You're treating me like a guinea pig!
Me: Ok.
Sam: If you come in here I am going to throw a blanket at you!

When I finally told him he could come out dad and Caitlyn were at the house - Caitlyn is watching the kids for the day and dad was dropping her off.

Me: (hoping for an apology) Is there something you want to say?
Sam: Hi Gwampa. Hi Caitlyn.
Me: Not quite what I had in mind, but ok.

Its a Rough Life

S: You can rub my armpits.
Me: Do to want me to?
S: Can you do both of them? Because they're really tired from opening and closing.

My Heart is Aflutter

We were getting ready this morning - Daniel is at day camp at the YMCA and Sam is spending the day with grandma.

D: Are you going to drop Sam or me off first this morning?
Me: I don't know. Why?
D: Because I know Sam likes spending time with you and I don't care about spending so much time with you.

What a thoughtful fellow. He just wants what is best for his brother.

Birthday Girl

We called grandma to say happy birthday this morning. While she was on the phone she had a small cough. 

Daniel asked grandma to hold on a minute and whispered in my ear.

D: I bet I know why she's coughing. 

Me: Why?

D: Because she's really old. 

My Master Debater

We were listening CBC's The Debaters in the car and the topic was funding for scientific research. They announced the winner and it was the pro-funding debater who won. 

D: Yes! If the other guy won I would be so pissed. 

Me: What?!?

D: If the other guy won I would be so pissed. I love science. 

Hairy McScary

Danny was trying to convince Sam to eat something so he told him that it would help him grow hair on his chest.

Sam: I don't want hair on my chest. Just my armpits. Like you dad.

I hope he doesn't want facial hair either or he'll be sorely disappointed. 

Gooey goodness

We were eating dinner the other night and I asked Danny to pass me some cheese. He was goofing around and tossed me a slice. Being the exceptional athlete that he is (i love you baby), it landed right in Sam's drink.

Being the good woman that I am, I tried to get Sam a fresh drink but he lost his ever-loving mind. Not because of the cheese in his drink but because I wanted to clean it up. He took a nice big drink of his cheese water (gag) then he fished the cheese out and ate it (double gag).

You can't make this shit up. 

Mr Clean

Sam was coming out of a public restroom and I asked him if he had used soap when he washed his hands. 

S: Yup. (pause) Good thing I didn't wash my hands in the toilet. 

This was an option??!?!? 

Edit:

My updated list of questions I have to ask my boys when they're returning from a trip to the bathroom:

1. Did you go to the bathroom? (Seems obvious but it isn't. The answer is sometimes 'no'.)

2. Did you flush the toilet?

3. Did you wash your hands? 

4. Did you wash your hands in the sink? (Why God??!?)

5. Did you use soap?

6. Can I smell your hands? (which is often followed by a groan from my boy and a trip back to the bathroom.)

My Hero

S: I drew it because I want to be Iron Man when I grow up. 

Weatherman

D: You know what they should say on the weather every day mom? Zero percent chance of zombie apocolipse. Because that would really make me laugh if they said that. 

Helping Hands

Sam 'helped' me do up my buttons today.

Brotherly Love - Update

He is still referring to the Hot Wheels car as 'my new brother'.

At least he's not still sleeping in a box...

We went to the beach on Saturday. I don't know what possessed me to take the boys by myself. They were assholes but we had fun. I brought the wagon because I was by myself and I didn't want to make 6 trips back to the car for all our stuff.

At one point Sam decided he needed a rest so he curled up in his towel on the wagon and told me that he was going to have a nap. He had a little rest and he was off to the races again.

On Sunday we were hanging out at home. I was doing a few things around the house and the boys were playing with each other and the neighbourhood kids. I was going about my business and then I saw this. Sam had gone to this room and got his pillow and a blanket and had made himself confortable. He told me that this was his new bed.

When bedtime rolled around I realized that his favourite pillow was still outside so I went to get it and his blanket. When I brought them up to his room he was PISSED. He REALLY wanted to sleep in the wagon and he told me so quite strongly.  

My kid really is going to be a hobo.

Brotherly Love

Sam: Daniel and me aren't brothers any more so now we're brothers.
Me: Who?
Sam: Me and this Hot Wheels car.
(pause)
Sam: I'm going into my room with my new brother.

Planning Ahead

He was about to get ready for bed when he starting loading his shirt pocket with grapes.

Me: Why are you putting grapes in your pocket?

Sam: In case I get hungry. 

Me: When??!?!

Sam: Now. 

Superman?

Sam crawled into bed with us yesterday morning and draped his arm over Danny.

Sam: I put my arm over him so he can't fly away.

Going Postal

Sam had an EPIC meltdown last night. He fell asleep on the way home from camp and slept for 1 1/2 hrs when we got home. When he woke up he lost it. Talking to him made it worse.

I eventually took him up to his room and told him that he could come down when he calmed down. Thus began the screaming "I can't calm down!"

My favorite?

"I can't calm down because my mind is controlling me and telling me what to do!"

Beautiful

Danny: Is this your toothbrush?
Me: Yeah.
Danny: Don't use it. Sam has been cleaning his toys with it.

He finally decides to clean something and this is what happens???!?!??

This is what happens when you visit Uncle Terry

Hot Lava

Daniel: Look at my dinosaur. It's red. I named it Death-o-saurus. If you stabbed it in the eye, your knife would melt. It's eyes have been known to be made of hot lava. It's feet have been know to be made of hot lava too. That's the legend. I just made it up.

There was more but I couldn't keep up. Apparently Deathosaurus almost destroyed all of PEI, but not the part where his friend Hunter lives.

Can you tell its dinosaur week at camp?

p.s. - I have no idea which side of this picture is up.

Hobo Joe 2

Danny: Hey there Hobo Joe.

Sam: My name isn't Hobo Joe.

Danny: Are you sure? I thought your name was Hobo Joe.

Sam: My name isn't Hobo Joe.

Danny: Well what is it then?

Sam: Kevin.

Hobo joe

We got a new bbq because the old one was becoming a safety hazard. The bbq came in a big box. The box now lives in our spare room and Sam sleeps in it at night. He asked me to lay down with him yesterday and when I crawled into the box I realized that he had gone into his room and brought an extra pillow and blanket into the box for me. I can't even tell you how ridiculous it is. 

Birthday Party

Sam wants to invite this guy to his birthday party.
I think he might be disappointed.

Yes, that is Sir Wilfrid Laurier, who died in 1919. 

I'm not sure he'd be much fun at a party.

Wilfred Laurier was Canada's 7th Prime Minister and, though married, was long suspected of having fathered a child with his business partners wife before entering politics. Juicy! Maybe he would have been fun at a party after all. 

Rock and Roll

S: Dad can we put on 'Hey kids do you wanna do what I do?'

Danny: That a morning song, not an evening song.

S: (Totally baffled) But it's a wock and wool song.
Danny: That a morning song, you guys get too riled up when i put it on. 
S: But it's a wock and wool song.

Sam knows all the lyrics. Its a really good thing my kids have no idea what they're singing about.

MARIANAS TRENCH
"Here's To The Zeroes"

Hey kids, do you wanna do what I do?
I got sick, got kicked out of high school.
I guess then, I kinda got arrested,
With a car and a chase and a drug test.

These days, they don’t wanna be near that.
'Cause if you're selling records they don't wanna hear that.
Clean cut, we do it like Disney.
Well adjusted, trusted, trust me.

Party anthems get them dancing.
Well I’m the king of second chancin’.
Airbrushed, shiny, notoriety.
They disappear into the back to go and get high-ity.

A boy after my own heart

D: Can you put on CBC please dad?

Seriously, Daniel has regularly requested CBC on the radio in the car for probably the last 2 years or so. My serious, silly little boy.

The Love of a Big Brother

Daniel tried to convince be this morning that it wasn't his fault, when he grabbed his brothers head and pushed it towards the dining room table, that his brother bashed his head on the table. He was deadly serious. Asshole.

I think this might explan my Gr 1 teacher...

Daniel is mad that were 'making' him go to summer camp. He is worried that one of the leaders at the Y might be a monster from the underworld.

Sweet nothings

Danny: Did you hear what Daniel just said to me?

Me: No what?

Daniel: (whispering) I can see why you married her. 

Me: Why's that?

Daniel: Because you both have glasses. 

I'm not sure about that...

D: You know what mom, you're my girlfriend.

Me: I'm not sure I should have a boyfriend and a husband. I was Daddy's girlfriend before he tricked me into marrying him.

D: He didn't trick you. You asked for it!

Terrifying

S: The day before this day I had a dead body poo. 

Me: What made it a dead body poo?

S: It came out of my bum and it was cut off. (Pause). And it was kind of twirly. And I flushed it down the toilet and it went around and around and around. 

Social Conscience

D: I'm glad we live here and not in a place they strap kids to machines.

Me: What kind of place straps kids to machines?

D: Poor kids, you know, they have to make carpets. 

I'm assuming this has something to do with the fundraiser they had at school to raise money to buy goats for people in under-developed countries. 

Crushed It, Pt 2

Sam was getting out of the car and he wants to climb through the back hatch. 

Me: Don't step on my papers. What will happen if you do?

S: You'll crush me with your love?

Knock knock

S: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

S: Nobody. 

Me: Nobody who? 

S: Come on! Question mark. 

Yes, those are pants on his head. 

He takes after his Auntie Danna!

D: It's a good thing I'm a carnomnivore because this is a lot of meat!

Me: What is a carnomnivore?

D: A carnomnivore. The rarest of them all. I eat meat but I eat plants sometimes. I think I like meat better than plants. I'm a carnomnivore!

Telling it like it is

 It was bed time and I was tucking the boys in. Sam asked me to put his blankets on him.

Me: What kind of mom would I be if I didn't give you blankets?
Sam: A bad one.

Hot rod

D: Woah! We're beside a cherry red Ferrari!

Me: Well, it's a Nissan Altima but you're right, it is cherry red. 

I can see how he would get the two confused. 

Crushed it

Daniel was getting in the car and I asked him to be careful with some work papers that were beside his booster seat.

Me: Please be careful. (Jokingly) Don't squish my papers or I'll squish you. 

D: You don't squish me. 

Me: I don't? 

D: You don't squish me. You just crush me with your love. 

Sam: I don't want you to crush my brother!

D: With her love. 

Sam: I don't want you to crush my brother!

D: It just means she loves me a lot. 

Say what?

Work stories are officially being added to my ridiculous blog.

An owner called today to ask that we update her evacuation assistance form - which lets us know who will need help getting out of a building in case of fire etc. 

She wanted to add her turtle. HER TURTLE. He is 53 years old and she had him since he was a baby.